How to Write a Condolence Letter

After the death of a child, a condolence letter can help bring comfort to the family. But it can be hard to know what to say. Friends want to sound genuine and offer support. But the words often do not come easily.

Condolence letters are written to benefit the family. They show support and remember the child. Families may keep these letters as a remembrance of their child’s life. They may reread them as a source of comfort. Families can learn new stories about the child and deepen ties with friends through sharing memories.

Tips for writing condolence letters

A note of condolence does not need to be long or complicated. The pressure of finding the “right” words often keeps people from writing. A few tips can help:

• Handwrite the note if possible
• Keep it simple
• Be sincere and authentic
• Share memories and make a personal connection
• Avoid giving advice
• Be careful about sharing religious beliefs

Use a calendar to remind you to follow up with phone calls or help. Make a reminder to send another card or reach out to the family with a text or phone call on important dates, such as the child’s birthday or anniversary of the death. This helps families know that they and their children are not forgotten.

What to say in a condolence letter

It can help to break the letter down into its basic parts: opening, middle, and closing. A helpful outline is to:

1. Acknowledge the family’s loss
2. Focus on remembering the child
3. End with an offer of specific help or show of care and support

Condolence letter opening

Many people never send a note because they do not know where to begin. Write on simple stationery or a sympathy card. Start by writing a greeting. When writing to parents, consider addressing the letter to siblings as well.

• Begin with a simple acknowledgement of the loss. Be sincere and express your feelings of sympathy.
• Refer to the deceased by name. Identify your connection to the child.
  • “I wanted to share how very sorry we are for your loss. Aiden was in theater at school with my daughter Sophia.”
  • "I am heartbroken for the loss your family has suffered. It was a joy to have Luke in my class during third grade.”

  Condolence letter middle

  The main part of the letter should make a personal connection. Write from the heart. Often people feel as if they should be excessively formal given the situation. But honest feelings convey much more.

  Reminders for writing the middle of the condolence note include:

  • Be personal and refer to the deceased and other family members by name
  • Share how the child or family have had an impact on you or your family
  • Acknowledge special characteristics or qualities of the child and their family
  • If possible, offer 1 or 2 specific memories.
    • “Sarah was such a talented writer. I was always amazed by her poetry. She was blessed with a gift for words!”
    • “John and our boys could get into some trouble together – I will never forget the frog prank! But that mischievous grin of John’s -- It makes me smile just thinking about it.”

    Condolence letter ending

    The close of a condolence letter is often where help is offered. If you are unsure what to offer, simply express care and support.

    When offering help:

    • Be specific in the help you offer. Instead of saying, “Please let us know if we can help in any way,” say, “We have signed up to bring you a meal and will drop it off next Tuesday.”
    • Only offer help if you have the ability to follow through. If you are unable to commit to helping in a specific way, sincere words of concern and care are enough.
    • Check in with the family’s support community to find out what types of help might be needed.
      • “We are happy to help take Tyler to soccer whenever he needs a ride. Our hearts break for your entire family. We are thinking of each of you.”
      • “I hope that you will find strength in the love of your church family. We are praying for you.”

      The final sentence of a condolence letter can sometimes feel as difficult as the first. End with an expression of hope or sympathy. Sample closings include:

      • “I will keep you in my prayers.” (Only if true)
      • “I hope you feel surrounded by much love.”
      • “I’m holding you close in my thoughts.”
      • “With love always” (If close to the family)
      • “I will call you next week to see when I can come over and help.” (If you plan to follow through)
      • “With sympathy”

      Sample condolence letters

      Below are some samples of condolence letters. These may help you write a condolence letter.

      As a friend of the family who knew the child

      Dear Maria, Eric, Violet, and Justin,

      Please know how much you are in our hearts and thoughts always. Robert brought light into our lives just as he did for everyone who knew him. He could be stubborn, and we’ll never forget how as a toddler he refused to wear shoes and insisted on going barefoot everywhere—even to church!

      Maria and Eric—you were so patient with him showing him always that he was loved. Violet and Justin—you shared your passion for music and books with him, both of which brought out his energy and curiosity. He kept us all on our toes. He will always be remembered with love and joy by all four of us.

      Please know, whatever you need, we are here for you. We will call or text to see when you are ready for company, and we will bring dinner and a movie.

      With our love always,

      Olivia, Brice, Lillian, and Brody

      As someone who knew parents but did not know the child

      Dear Kathy and David,

      I’m very sorry for your loss. I did not know Stephen, but I know that the two of you are strong, loving people. The sense of humor that both of you have shared with the world must have given Stephen many happy moments full of love.

      We will be in Chicago in May and will reach out to see if it is a good time to visit with you. Until then, please know that Tom and I have you in our thoughts and prayers.

      As someone who knew the child but are not close friends of the family

      Dear Lucas, Katherine, and Liam,

      My daughter Carly was in gymnastics with Emma. I wanted to share how very sorry we are for your loss.

      We always knew Emma as spunky and hardworking. She never gave up even when a routine was hard. She always had a kind and supportive word for all the other girls in the gym. Liam, Carly shared that Emma spoke often about both of you and the ways in which you supported her as the youngest sibling. You must be a special family to have raised a child as focused and kind as Emma.

      Please know you are in our thoughts and the thoughts of the entire gymnastics community.

      God bless you and comfort you,

      As a colleague

      I am very sorry to hear about your loss. While I didn’t know Anna, I was very touched to read in the obituary how much she loved baseball and how much you enjoyed going to games together. I hope those special memories will bring you comfort in the days ahead.